The Real Lessons I’ve Learned about Marriage that You…

When I was fifteen, I read my first romance novel. It was YA fiction so it was pretty clean and innocent. Still, it had such a lasting impact on me that I went on to become obsessive with romance and it’s many subgenres. I actually have to force myself to read books that aren’t romance because my brain is convinced I won’t like it unless it has a gooey, happy ending with lots of kissing.

For all that I enjoy the thrill and adventure that romance has to offer, I’ve found it can lead to bloated expectations in the real world. As a regular gal in a regular world that doesn’t have dragons and drama and whatever else drives a plot, I have the potential to become disappointed in my relationship when the romance isn’t explosive.

Now, let’s take a pause. Realistically, I know that (most) romance novels are not written about your every day life as a long-term married couple. That would be boring, right? Books are designed to take us away from our lives and let us lose ourselves in fantasy and fiction. Obviously I am not expecting someone to write a novel that mirrors the twelve minute conversation my husband and I had about dirty diapers yesterday.

With all that being said, I think it’s important to come down to earth sometimes. I read every single day. Well, night, really. It’s easy when you spend two or three hours awake at two am feeding a baby. What else am I going to do? By morning, I feel the need to recalibrate. I’ve been sucked into a new universe where falling in love has a plot with twists and turns, heartbreak and redemption. My life just doesn’t reflect that on the day to day.

I want to do something different with this post. I want to get real and talk about romance—or at least marriage—when the book is over. I’ve rescued my lover from vampire ninja assassins that want to hurt me because I’m the chosen one. Now we’re married with a kid and taxes and dirty laundry. How do we handle this mundane existence?

My little brother recently got married and I was contemplating that exact question when I wrote him a letter. A letter that I’ll share with you now (with the personal bits removed.) I call it…

The Things You Won’t Read in a Romance Novel

When I got engaged I found the most infuriating part of announcing to family and friends was receiving so much unwarranted advice.

I’ve decided that I’ll share the lessons I’ve learned about marriage with you, knowing it might be unwanted and unnecessary advice, and you can do what you will with it. After seven years, I like to think of myself as a bit of a marriage veteran. I’m not a genius but I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

People like to tell you that marriage is hard. What they don’t like to tell you is that marriage is also spending a lot of time pretending you don’t hear each other poop. It’s becoming familiar with someone else’s morning breath and the particular odor of their dirty socks and the sound they make when they’re absentmindedly chewing food. Loudly. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

People will also tell you that it’s the little moments that matter, and they’re right. Those thousands of goodnight kisses, the peals of laughter in the kitchen while you make dinner, the whispered secrets in the middle of the night, those matter a lot. They are the fine threads that slowly weave into that beautiful tapestry of a lifetime together.

That’s lesson number 1: Be Mindful of the Little Things

Because it’s not just that effervescent giddiness of spending time with someone you love. It’s also the little things you shouldn’t have said. The spats that get under you skin, the bad habits that drive you mad (I’m looking at you, husband who throws his dirty laundry next to the hamper), and the differences in opinions that stir up doubt. These tiny grains of anger and frustration collect like lint in your pocket until you put your pants on one day, stick your hand in there, and realize you’ve got a big handful of sandy resentment.

That’s lesson number 2: Resentment and Bitterness are the Death of a Marriage

Resentment is a sallow faced vampire that will suck the life out of your relationship. Do not invite it into your home. The hardest part of marriage is talking about the things that hurt each other’s feelings, telling your partner when they are being inadequate in some way, but it’s so important to maintaining peace in the home. When you need help, ask for it. When you need support, speak up. When you need space, seek it out. I’ve seen relationships end over such useless, bitter arguments that only become issues because they are allowed to fester.

Which is lesson number 3: Don’t Let Anything Fester (that’s just icky)

Your marriage is your sanctuary. Your spouse is a person you chose to build a family with. In my opinion, that’s fiercer than blood. That’s standing in a field in Oklahoma, watching a twister rip up everything you held dear, and still clutching the hand of your partner like they’re your lifeline. There will be topics that are difficult to talk about, painful and embarrassing and just downright complicated. Talk about them anyway. Talk all the time. Talk too much. Talk until two in the morning and wake up tired but with your cup overflowing the next morning. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.

And that brings me to lesson 4: Speak Kindly Always

It’s easy to forget your manners when you’re with the person who makes you feel most at home but a please, thank you, and I’m sorry go a long way. Treat your spouse like you’re still on those first few dates and you desperately want to impress them with your rapier wit.

Pretend you’re still getting to know each other and you want to be on your best behavior, at least when it comes to acknowledging the things you do for each other. Words of love and encouragement build a strong foundation and are, you guessed it, an important part of that communication piece. So really, this is more like lesson 3.5.

I don’t have a clever bridge to the next one so I’m just going to unceremoniously dump it here: Nothing is That Big of a Deal

I think this one is more a general rule for life than it is a rule for marriage. You will be doing dishes and folding laundry for the rest of your days (sorry, it’s the truth). Some days you’ll do it, some days your spouse will do it. Housework and income and emotional support won’t always be equal. It might never be equal. Some people just have different strengths than others. Don’t let that come between you. Trust me, it really doesn’t matter in the end.

What matters is how many times you made each other feel loved, how many precious memories you collected together. You could spend every day sweating over every little detail of your life until you’re eighty and it won’t change a damn thing. The world will continue to turn whether or not you waste all of your brain power fretting over that one joke your spouse made that may or may not have been offensive.

Life is long, but you should live it like it’s short. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

I know I’ve already said it but it’s such an important point and a lesson I almost learned the hard way (maybe more than once). Marriages can end over the silliest problems, mostly because we just lose sight of the why. We get tired. We get caught up in the day to day and lose track of the other person.

One day you’re going to wake up and find that your spouse has become habitual, that they’ve taken up residence in your chest as comfortably and easily as your heartbeat. That is a good thing, so don’t take it for granted. It is a precious, beautiful, rare thing to let someone become a part of you like that. When you have that, hold onto it tightly with both hands. Cling to it like a friggin’ door from the Titanic floating in the Atlantic ocean.

Oh, and one more thing. Share Your French Fries!